Birth Story

DAY 1: It’s New Year’s Eve and I’ve spent the past week, since Boxing Day, in and out of hospital for monitoring, chip isn’t moving as much and I feel on edge. My sister (for new followers, she’s 8, sassy and the apple of my eye) has stayed with us for the holidays and I hate bringing her here everyday and no lies, so does she! But tonight, she’s looking forward to our NYE pyjama party! In between the hospital visits, I’ve just started to settle in to my first week on maternity leave, ready to enjoy the month ahead of me to get ready for Chip, washing her clothes, posing for last bump pics and buying last min bits and bobs! We’re at the birth centre today for a routine appointment, I tell the midwife about the daily monitoring, “And, how are movements today? She asks. I tell her, there was some good movement last night but baby is quiet again today, I haven’t felt her much at all. To my baby sisters disappointment, we get sent up to the assessment unit for monitoring again. I’m a bag of nerves on the inside, something doesn’t feel right, something feels off but I put on a brave face for Andy and my sister. After a couple of hours, checks and tests, the doctor comes in to talk to us. “We’d like to offer an induction” she says. “What? Now? Why?” I ask! Andy is sitting in the chair looking red faced and I can’t tell if he’s trying not to giggle or cry? Is this what hysteria looks like, poor man. The doctor explains the risks of reduced movement and why they advice on an induction but then gives Andy and I the room to make a choice. We go back and forth on the pros and cons and it seems like the world’s most difficult decision, I didn’t want an induction, I’m only 37 weeks on the day, I still have so much to do! It’s New Year’s Eve! The Moses basket hasn’t been washed! My bag is only half packed! I wanted the birth centre not the labour ward, I wanted a natural birth, I wanted Andy to sit with me in a birth pool, I wanted that magical surprise moment of your waters breaking and the rush to hospital! But our decision came down to what was best for Chip and we decided that going home wasn’t worth the risk. “Lets do it” we tell the doctor...

A midwife is walking us over to the maternity ward and all I can think about is how much I wished I had shaved. Confessions. I ask if I can go home and shower? A moment of complete sadness hits me, maybe I should go home and we can still have our pyjama party? My life is about to change, I was ready for this 10 years ago when I started my fight with infertility and I was ready now but this all felt wrong. What if this is all in my head? What if her movements are fine and I’m ruining my one chance to have my dream birth? My sister looks sad too, “what’s wrong?” I ask her. “ I don’t want to leave you alone in hospital on New Year’s Eve, I don’t know how to explain it but I feel bad”. Dido kiddo, I think to myself, change is a funny thing. I say goodbye to her and Andy as he heads home to grab our stuff and I have a moment to myself to really take this all in and prepare myself for a moment I have been waiting for for ten whole years. Before I can open my eyes, a midwife walks, “Right, lets get started shall we!”. We start with a pessary to induce contractions and should all go well, the contractions should get the cervix doing it job! Just as I’m all set and I feel the first contractions hit me, Andy returns and we hear the bells ring in the new year. He takes my hand, “This is it, tomorrow our little girl could be here”.

DAY 2: Holly shit balls, it’s hurts. Contractions started with a bang back to back non stop all night and morning. I’m breathing through them on the antenatal ward, I’m walking around, I’m hopping on and off the yoga ball, I’m hoping I’m dilated. Andy has slept on a tiny chair all night and 3 couples have passed us on to the labour ward already. So you know what I do? I get in the shower and I shave! Yes. I shaved damn it, it was all abit patchy but I was going to have atleast one thing my way. Time for my first cervix check. Now, no one tells you that these checks are hell. I was in so much pain with them I needed gas and air. But I look up at the midwife in high hopes. “I can’t reach your cervix, it’s definitely still shut tight and very high up”.

See now, this is where the road got tuff and I stop taking photos. “What we need to do now, is try the gel” says the midwife. “It works just like the pessary but we’ll check your cervix every 12 hours, if nothing has happened then l, then we’ll try again”. I’ll cut it short here, the gel did not work, it only intensified the contractions. With every cervix check I was in pure agony and in pure disappointment to hear that my cervix still has not budged.

DAY 3: Andy is loosing his mind. There’s a couple next to us complaining because they’ve been here for 11 hours and every couple on the ward now is new, one even went into labour next to us before they could get her on to the labour ward! “What have they got against us?? Why can’t we go on the labour ward? I’m so sick of their shit” Andy says. I try really hard not to laugh.. “For the love of God, Andy, please go home and get some rest, you’re delirious, no one has anything against us except my cervix!”. At this point, I’ve been going through back to back contractions round the clock with no pain relief and I’m beginning to feel the physical exhaustion, it’s becoming harder to breath through the contractions and harder to catch a breath in between them. I’m on my second round of cervical checks and second round of gel. They bring a doctor in to do the next because they’ve given up on me and I can tell the midwife thinks I’m just being a sissy! After a good 10 mins trying to find my cervix, the doctor says I have a posterior cervix, they can’t reach it and throws a c-section on the table as an option. “No”, I reply. There’s nothing wrong with c-sections if you want one, if you need one. But I didn’t feel I needed one yet, I didn’t come all this way to give up my chance of giving birth too. “Please, can we explore other options, please!”. “Ok, we can try the gel one more time”. As I’m mentally preparing myself to go through another round of the gel and cervical checks, I decide it’s a terrible idea. They haven’t worked so far, I’m physically exhausted, I’m not sure how much longer I can push through and what if the gel does nothing to open my cervix again?

Surprisingly, the midwife seems on my side and to agree with my decision. She has gone to tell the doctor that I’ve changed my mind and I’m waiting and praying that they don’t come back with a c-section as my only option. Andy looks relieved too, he hates the cervical checks as much as I do and is beginning to look worried and slightly pale. The curtain pulls back, “I’ve told the doctors you don’t want any more gel and I’ve told them that to be honest I think she’s right, it won’t help any and they’ve decided to let you rest for the night and we’ll reassess in the morning”. HALLILUYER!

DAY 4: I feel her kick a little today, I’m glad we’ve got the monitors hooked up, I’m glad I know she’s ok and I’m the only one feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus and I’m not even dilated yet! Finally the doctors arrive and they give us 3 options: 1. More gel 2. Insert a ballon to push my cervix open and hopefully break my waters so I don’t have to do any more cervical checks 3. C-section I didn’t hesitate, “BALLOON, please, I’ll take the balloon!”. We’re in a room and I’m prepped up and waiting for this to be done. My midwife today is an honest, funny and older lady “you’ll want an epidural with this balloon, otherwise you’ll be wishing you were dead, wait 6 hours and ask for the epidural and now don’t tell anyone I said that or you’ll get me fired!” I love her, she speaks truth and it’s a relief to my soul. Now the contractions with this thing in me are out of this world and they are still back to back, I’m not entirely sure that I can last much longer and walking about is off the table, I need rest and the midwives allow it. I’m laying down, breathing through each pain, 9 PM, I toss, I turn, I feel a whoosh, I grab Andys hand... “My waters have broke”.

“YES!!! Let’s go check” he says. I’m in the bathroom and I can definitely tell that I haven’t just peed myself my waters are definitely broken and this is definitely happening, my baby girl is on her way! Now please all join us is laughter but I swear there is teeny tiny hairs in the amniotic fluid and Andy is insisting that we need to have midwife check this? So we do... she looks disgusted and amused all at the same time “Sure it’s not yours?” She says to Andy as a joke (He’s bald). All the midwives are cheering us on now, We did it, we are finally moving on to the labour ward, with our own room and comfier chair for Andy and it will be the room in which together, hand in hand, we will welcome our daughter into the world. Surely the fuckery is over now right? They remove the balloon and start me an IV drip of petocin. I don’t think the contractions can get any worst, but petocin doesn’t play and it shows me who’s boss! I make it 7 hours that night before I realise that I can’t breath through the weaker contractions any more, I can barely lift my head, I give in... “Please, can I have an epidural”.

DAY 5: Epidurals are magic, I wish there were words to explain the relief it gives me. But I slept on night 4 and I’m feeling stronger. I’m waiting for my cervix check and I’m glad that I won’t feel it much. Andy wakes up and doesn’t look right himself “I feel sick” he says to our midwife.. “Quick, run to the bathroom, I’m not cleaning up after you too!” She says. It’s clear when he gets back that he has sickness and diarrhoea... Apologetically, the midwives tell him that he can’t be on the ward as it’s too dangerous for the midwives and the babies. I can’t believe it but Andy is going to miss the birth of our daughter. 10 years and he’s going to miss it. I feel for him and I almost feel for me but not really, I feel fierce and I feel ready to get our daughter here safely. She is the centre of my focus and I don’t have the energy to think of anything else.

So, here I am sat alone in the labour ward, waiting on reinforcements to arrive. My mum and fellow endo sister @whattheendoivf are on their way. I am falling in love with my epidural, it’s my best friend and I now can’t wait for the cervical checks so I can see how far dilated I am. I’m over the moon to hear I’m 3cm, then 4! The day is almost gone, it’s been almost 24 hours since my waters broke so I decide to take a nap. I’ve been feeling a little funny but I put that down to just being in labour for 5 days and pure exhaustion. My birth partners have arrived by now and my midwives have swapped shifts! I truly feel bonded with my now midwife, she’s funny and witty and I know she’s got my back. I feel ready to take a nap before the hard work begins. I feel like I’ve just dozed off before I hear commotion, walking around, fussing over me, a fan going up. “Jane, you’ve spiked a fever, that means we can’t wait for you to fully dilate. We’ll check you now and if you are fully dilated we can let you push for an hour and then we’ll bring in the doctors if no progress. OK?”... “OK”, I say. I’m so ready for this, this is it, my God, she’s coming. They help me into position and surprisingly I am 9cm dilated! Let’s do this!! “Right Jane, with your next contraction, I want you to push, ok?” I’m pushing with all my power and all my will, I never scream, I never cry, my nana always told me to “Push to your bum and don’t scream, it’ll waste your energy“. I’m pushing through a strong one as my midwife is cheering me on “COMMON JANE, THAT’S IT! TEN YEARS, COMMON KEEP GOING!!”. It is with my strongest push that I feel her move into an awkward position. I’m checked and Chip has turned her back to the opposite side making it very difficult to get her out, the hour has passed and I hear the midwives say the baby’s head is “mouldy”. “Jane, we’re going to have to get the doctors now, she’s moved into an awkward position. You’re doing amazing, you’re pushing perfectly but she’s not going to come without assistance and your fever is still high”.

Now, I have one strict rule. No fucking forceps! Have you read the horror stories because I have! In comes the doctor and what does she say? You guessed it. “We will need to use forceps because of the position she’s in and because of her head, anything else isn’t an option”... I’m letting her know how terrified of forceps I am and she’s asks me why, am I afraid they’ll hurt me because they’ll do an episiotomy to avoid that.. “No, I’m not afraid you’ll hurt me, I’m afraid you’ll hurt her!”. After a little back and forth they get the forceps and everything else ready and my midwife has her arm around my neck, she talks into my ear “Common Jane, we’re in the birth centre, you’re in the birthing pool and I’ve got you, push now, push!!”. And with that push I feel her, I feel her first move towards the world! But it feels off and I scream at the doctor “DON’T HURT HER!”... “She’s not hurting her Jane, now push again now!” I feel her move again! “Jane, She’s almost here!” Do you want to touch her?” I don’t need to be asked twice, I reach down to her in a frenzy. It is now in this very moment that I’m hit with every emotion I locked away safely for 9 months. Everything I ever planned on during my ten year battle... I skipped, no maternity shoots, no baby shower, don’t get too happy.. Whats your biggest fear? Mine is flying and that’s what pregnancy after infertility felt like to me, always waiting for the plane to drop. But it didn’t drop and I’ve just physically felt my daughter. I let out a cry, a cry so joyful that it shocks even me. This is it, my end goal, her in my arms. I breath in as deep as I can, push as strong as I can, I open my eyes and she’s on my chest, in my arms, her eyes lock with mine and I’m screaming in joy. I hold her a tight to me for fear I’m dreaming but I’m not.

Anna-Marie, my Melody... she’s here, she’s real.

We made it.

#Glasses #Sunglasses #Style